Apr. 17: Others bringing you down? Let Them, suggests author Mel Robbins

April 17, 2025

Whether it’s money problems, weirdness at work, relationships going wonky or what have you, other people can bring you down.

In her book Let Them, author Mel Robbins provides a seemingly simple way to turn the situation around.

She begins by discussing the “5 second rule,” a coping strategy she developed during tough times with employment and money. “I was paralyzed by my own thoughts, and the last thing I wanted to do was get up and face another day,” she writes. But, she thought, why not try a NASA-style countdown – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 – and then “launch myself out of bed.”

This little trigger helps you “take action before hesitation kicks in.”

And while the “5 second rule” helps trigger you to take action, Robbins searched for a way to address things like fear of failing, being “nervous about taking a risk… why do I have a hard time asking for what I need? What exactly is in my way?”

Her research found that for most of us, “struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier… the problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give other people.”

“You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied. If you bend over backward, maybe your partner won’t be disappointed. If you keep the peace, maybe your family will stop judging your choices,” she rights.

The solution, she says, to “driving yourself crazy trying to manage or please other people,” is “Let Them.”

“Let Them be grumpy. It’s not your problem,” she writes, Let Them “have their opinions… they don’t change who you are.”

“The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets,” she explains.

The book is filled with anecdotes to illustrate how simple idea works, and how liberating it is. “Let my family be late to absolutely everything we go to,” she writes. “Let Them leave dishes in the sink. Let my mother-in-law disagree with my parenting.” The list is exhaustive.

But “Let Them” is just half of the toolkit, she writes. “There is a second, critical part to the theory – Let Me.”

“That’s why the theory only works if you say both parts. When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behaviour to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next,” she explains.

“Let Me immediately shows you what you can control…. your attitude, your behaviour… your values, your needs, your desires, and what YOU want to do in response to what just happened,” she writes.

In a chapter on stress, the book explains how the Let Them/Let Me tool can help you overcome it. “Stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doom scroll, and struggle with comparison,” she warns.

In a chapter on dealing with difficult people – those who have negative opinions about you or your work, for example – the Let Them tool reasserts the idea that “adults are allowed to think whatever they want,” so fearing that sort of criticism “is a complete waste of time.”

“Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them,” she writes.

“Then, Let Me…. be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address them directly or not at all,” she advises.

It can help with “comparison” issues, where we feel inferior in appearance, wealth, or athleticism.

“There are two different types of comparison that people engage in – torture or teacher,” she explains. “Torture… is when you find yourself obsessed over, caught up in, or beating yourself up over something that you will never be able to change.”

Instead, “use comparison to your advantage” and learn from what others have done right. “Let it fuel your own journey. Other people’s success is evidence that you can do it too…. And build the extraordinary life you deserve.”

Closing chapters of the book use the techniques for such topics as restoring old friendships, creating new ones, embracing change, and helping others heal from downturns in life.

Robbins concludes by noting “you’ve always been in charge. You’ve always had the power. Now, it’s time to take it back.”

This is a well-written, well-researched book that is fun to read and even a little empowering. A good addition to your personal library, as we all go through periods of self-doubt and need to re-ignite our energy.

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Let Them, Mel Robbins

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